Tuesday, June 16, 2009

With Friends Like That...

I'm going to do what I probably shouldn't but, I'm sorry, but I'm tired of this.

Yes, I have an absurdly big friends list. And, no, I don't speak to every one of you on a regular basis. I know many of you on many different levels, sometimes it's appropriate to be in regular contact, sometimes it's not. Sometimes, it's appropriate to banter, sometimes it's not.

And, yes, sometimes it's appropriate to "unfriend" someone, in real life, as well as on Facebook. BUT, I am a FIRM believer that, when you have a problem with someone, and it's an issue that is important enough to you to warrant even CONTEMPLATING ending a connection with them, you TALK ABOUT IT FIRST. And I don't mean by snide comments, or lighthearted banter online on your profile or in your comments. Correct me if I'm wrong, but common netiquette dictates that, if it's done in a public forum, it's meant for general consumption, and, therefore, can't be anything THAT serious, or to be taken THAT personally.

Now, when dealing with the casual, lackaday cyberbuddy, with whom you have a rather superficial "friendship" on Facebook, and something rubs the other the wrong way, it would be NICE to have a note saying, "Hey, I didn't like that. I don't want to be friends with you anymore," and then the "Remove Friend" button gets clicked. And, if it's someone really inconsequential, just click the "Remove Friend" button without the note. Realistically, it's the latter that gets done, and that's just fine.

HOWEVER...

When dealing with a REAL LIFE friend, or, better yet, a friend you have known for more than 5, nay, 10 years... someone with whom the facade of, "do I tell her she has spinach in her teeth" has been lifted for more than a decade... who, golly, I don't know, was a MEMBER OF YOUR WEDDING PARTY, a childhood friend, or one of your closest friends for almost 15 years, at whose wedding you danced, decides to take a comment too seriously, doesn't ask, "did you mean it this way?", and, despite you saying, "I think you took that comment the wrong way," continues to beat you up for it, YOU DON'T UNFRIEND THEM WITHOUT THE BENEFIT OF AT LEAST SAYING, "You know what? That really hurt. LET'S TALK ABOUT IT."

Yes, I know, my humor can be full of barbs. I'm rather barbaric this way. And I can take it just as much as I can dish it out, mind you. And, if you cross a line, or rub ME the wrong way, I will let you know, as quickly and directly as possible NOT to beat you up, but so that the hurt doesn't fester and I end up being madder than I was in the first place.

But it's just WRONG, plain and simple, to NOT address it at all, but instead, take the proverbial "toys from the playground and go home." Especially when it's a genuine friendship. Certainly not without the benefit of an EXPLANATION.

So the question is, were these friendships real in the first place? Did I ever really know these people as well as I thought I had? And, therefore, did I have the right to entrust them with my friendship, my good intentions, my shoulder, etc, for 10-30 years? (Not that I'm old enough to have known ANY of you for 30 years, of course. Being 29, and all... )

It's amazing how some people are so myopic and self-centered that they can so easily bypass YEARS of devotion, loyalty, love, effort, bending over backwards and sacrifice that I've made for them over a stupid string of characters in cyberspace. Is their memory REALLY that short? Should I, if we were REALLY friends in the first place, have to remind them of hours of driving, days off from work, in some cases, putting my own life on hold for MONTHS, in some instances, for their benefit? I don't keep a running tally, mind you, but when you sit back and think, "wow - let me reflect on the years I spent with this person, was I such a terrible friend to them that I really deserved that?" those things that you have done for the other come up, and then you sit and think if those efforts were reciprocated.

And it's a wonder why so many people treat each other with such little concern or care anymore. Is it really worth being a "good" person, or "good" friend, anymore?

It seems that the better a person or friend you are to someone else, the more likely that person is going to turn on you and drop you like a used tissue when it's convenient for them.

So, is the answer, then, for me to treat all of you like trash?

I really don't know anymore.

(BTW, if you're tagged, it's not because you're one of the people addressed above, but you know of whom I'm speaking).