Torn

(Whilst reading this note, please play "Torn", written by Anne Preven and covered by Natalie Imbruglia. It will enhance the experience, and explain the title... )

It seems, as I reflect on years past, that each year has had its own independent leitmotif. Last year, clearly, was a test in FAITH- would one individual's soul/spirit conquer their demons or not, would hard work, physical labor and optimism be enough to finish the house, would I survive the recession and have a job, etc resulting in the ultimate question - Do I have faith that it will "all work out".

This year's theme, however, is just as difficult to chew, but is emerging quite early on (usually, I don't even bother to reflect upon it until the following year). It's TORN. Just that - torn.

In some cases, when a choice has been put in front of me, and loyalty has been questioned, the choice has been relatively simple. While I may FEEL torn, the decision is obvious and can be made. A friendship, for example, that had some great positives, and I'd felt a level of loyalty to, as I was, in a twisted way, one of her only constants, had fallen apart when MY loyalty was questioned, and, after feeling temporarily torn, I was quite happy to walk away and never look back.

Career-wise, I was torn between taking on a role that I knew that I was way over qualified for, but for a company that had AMAZING prospects. Had the employment frontier been more promising, I would have been far more torn as to what I would do.

For whatever reason, this year, I have been far more double-booked than usual. So I've been very torn as to what event I would attend, and what I would pass on. I'm not one to say no (and, you weisenheimers, keep your comments/mouths shut on that subject... you know who you are.)

But these are relatively simple situations - lest you think I've only been superficially torn.

Entire connections and relationships with people that I've known for years, and have held very closely, have torn me in twain, trying to figure out what the right thing is to do. One friend that I'd been close to since we were 14 put me in a position where I was so torn as to what to do, that I realized that no real friend would do that, so I walked away when the opportunity was there. Another relationship, which had serious issues to begin with, had me quite torn when the chance to part arose. After much debate (though, it may have seemed sudden to some, it really wasn't), I chose to part. Now, I'm torn if the residual friendship is worth trying to save, as this individual makes demands to go back to where we were, which is an impossibility. As steadfast as I am in my refusal to resort to what should never have been in the first place, I am torn as it would mean the end to a friendship that care very much about. Unfortunately, he doesn't seem to be able to grasp this. So, while I'm still torn on the issue, I maintain the friendship, and we'll see if this is purely transition or not.

I've also been incredibly torn when it comes to institutions.

What do you do when you see an institution that is so important to family, to you, etc, doing the wrong thing? Or, when it is individuals within the institution causing the problem, who do not have the same dedication to the community the institution serves, at the expense of the institution?

Without naming names, I received a call today with regards to one educational institution that is paramount in my children's life. Apparently, through the misplacement of paper on THEIR end, despite receiving constant communication for the upcoming year, preparation, etc, being set up for fee withdrawals with the bank, etc, allegedly, their registration and, therefore, scholarship, has been "reassigned" and there are no spots for them. We're not talking about tennis lessons, either, folks. We're talking 90% of their day.

2 weeks before the program with said institution is supposed to begin, frankly, after a year of some real unrest with them where I was torn as to whether or not to explore other options (and I chose NOT to move the kids, for their sakes), now I'm presented with this.

Obviously, I am working to resolve the matter.

But now I'm torn in a new light - how the hell do I approach them? I'm torn between calling everyone that I know that has ANY affiliation with the school and saying, "FIX IT!!" or trying to nicely negotiate or saying, "the hell with you" and scramble, for the next couple of weeks, to find an alternative (knowing there really isn't one, especially for my son.)

What would you do?

I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel...
I'm wide awake
And I can see
The perfect sky is torn
You're a little late
I'm already torn