Thursday, December 31, 2009

I am surrounded by amazing people

I really am. When I think about the diseases, the illnesses, the strife and struggles of so many people in my circle, I'm amazed at how much they have survived. They are pillars of strength. Beacons of their family. Some have faced death straight on, and by the grace of God, their family, and all they had in them, beat odds and walked away. Has life been easy for them after? No. (Why should it have been?) But they go on. They inspire.

They amaze me.

Does anyone have any concept of how impossible it is to be surrounded by such people? And, yet, at the same time, impossible to walk away? To not want to be in their midst? But to know you are simply too small to be there?

By comparison, it seems like what is enough to just make me throw up my hands and scream, "Uncle!" is so ridiculously miniscule compared to what these incredible people have gone through. What kind of a shallow, discontented monster am I to be ready to throw the towel in over something so inconsequential in comparison!

I'm a selfish rube.

I'm told to appreciate what I have. But how can you appreciate what you have when it's not what brings you joy? It's like giving chocolate to a drowning man. Yes, chocolate is incredible. And most people would be ecstatic to be handed a box of chocolate. But the man is drowning. What the hell is he going to do with chocolate? No matter how high the quality?

There are days, like today, when I am clearly not worthy to be in the presence of these people. I am completely undeserving. I'm a stupid, pratty peon.

I wish there were a way I could transfer what they see as valuable to them. They'll appreciate it far more than I ever will.

What 2009 taught me...

  1. Just because you are related by blood, you are not family. In fact, good reason to sever any and all ties.
  2. Trust no one. Least of all your feet.
  3. When your gut tells you it's safe, it's not.
  4. Go back to 1992. Do not leave. Whatever you do.
Fini.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

18 is supposed to be for life...

18 years ago, right now, give or take a minute, a bottle of Western Loganberry Clearly Canadian sparkling water fell out of my hands and onto the Commons floor. 18 years ago, right now, I was wearing a cranberry sweater, white turtleneck, favorite pair of jeans, my "shit-kicker" army boots, my black trenchcoat, a black backback, a burgundy hand-tooled leather purse, hair pulled back and still damp, but I felt naked and raw surrounded by a room full of people staring at me, watching my every move. Making sure I was breathing. For a moment, I wasn't. For a moment, my heart stopped.

18 years ago was the last time I could sing "Silent Night" without crying.

18 years ago was the last time Christmas carols were beautiful to me.

18 years and 1 day ago, I had my last conversation with him. And the last words that escaped my mouth were said in anger, but felt with love.

18 years ago, I had to tell my closest friends, aside from him, that he was gone. I'd become a verbal pall bearer.

18 years ago was a day that was supposed to be the highlight of high school for me. It was supposed to be the biggest event of my senior year - bigger, to me, than prom or graduation.

18 years ago was the last day that I thought snow was beautiful.

18... 18... 18... this doesn't add up. 18 is supposed to be for life.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Encouraged or Discouraged

On my other blog, ricalivestrong.blogspot.com, I'm chronicling my efforts as a LIVESTRONG Leader and LIVESTRONG Challenge particpant aiming for the Ride For The Roses. (What is the "Ride For the Roses"? From the LIVESTRONG website: What is Ride for the Roses Weekend?
Ride for the Roses Weekend is a celebration of LIVESTRONG's most enthusiastic supporters. Team LIVESTRONG participants who raise a minimum fundraising level of $10,000 by October 1 at 9 a.m. CST are invited participate in Ride for the Roses Weekend (held in conjunction with LIVESTRONG Challenge Austin) October 22-24, 2010) Why am I shooting for the Ride For the Roses? Two very good reasons. First, I want to raise as much money as possible for a charity I believe in. But, secondly, it's the only way that I can afford to attend. I can't afford the airfare, nor can I afford the hotel.

To make things even more "interesting," my son has decided to join me. Which means that he, too, would need to qualify in order for us to afford the practicality of participating in the Austin Challenge.

Through an AMAZING turn of events, a fellow (and far more established blogger, Eldon "Fat Cyclist" Nelson), wrote a humorous letter to Johan Bruyneel, the Team Director for Lance's new Team RadioShack, requesting consideration as a new team member. Johan responded, with what seemed to be a near impossible feat - to raise $25,000 for LIVESTRONG and $25,000 for the World Bicycle Relief in less than a week. Fat Cyclist did it in less than 3 days. $50,000+ raised in less than 3 days.

Don't get me wrong - I am NOT begrudging him his victory. Not one bit.

But, my goodness. How amazing would it be for me to be able to do that? To be able to tell my son (and daughter, who'd be coming with my comp-guest pass (she's not riding, therefore, she wouldn't need to earn her own Ride for the Roses incentive), that we could take it easy for the rest of the year?