Ok, guys... help me understand...

I've been told, and always felt, that I understood the way that men think better than how women think. I totally side with guys when they say, "I don't understand women." I don't understand them either. Hence the reason I'd make a terrible lesbian. In general, when dealing with relationships with other women, I find myself, too often, pursing my lips, shaking my head, wondering what the hell they were thinking.

I also think that's what's made me somewhat off-putting to guys, as well. I don't think that they realize that I think, and expect, more along the lines of another "guy," and they either think I'm playing a game (pretending to understand them, as some female passive-aggressive mindplay) or something else.

Anyhoo... sadly, because I'm not actually a man, there are still some aspects of the masculine mind that baffle me.

So can someone please "translate" for me?

1) Pulling pig tail behavior. Also known as the "Come here, come here, come here.... Get away, get away, get away" tactic... tactic to achieve what? I don't know. What's the deal? Pull the pig tail, disappear, don't explain, but continue the behavior. When directly asked, "what do you want?", you get nothing in return. WHY DO YOU DO THAT? I'm not just venting here, I'd earnestly like to know the answer. Please?

2) Guy and a girl are in a relationship. There is a tremendous amount of love between them, but for various reasons, it can't be. Both parties accept that, so the "elephant in the room" is rarely discussed - particularly by the guy - because everyone knows the answer. So the topic is avoided. No exchange of "I love yous" ever take place. Out of the blue, upon goodbye, guy gives girl a CD, and says, "Listen to this. Now. On your way home." Girl puts in CD, and it is FILLED with love songs, some nearly quoting every thought in her mind, others with what she has suspected he's felt this whole time, but was never voiced. Very moving stuff. Is this somehow a declaration? Or a coincidence and a case of girl trying to read into it? And if girl approaches guy about it, will he bullshit his way out of it or be honest? And, if he bullshits his way out of it, is it because he wanted to say all that, but then realizes his hand was caught in the cookie jar? Or what?

3) Why is it that good guys always feel that they finish last, so they entertain the notion of swinging to the polar opposite, instead of just toughening up a tad bit without venturing into the a-hole arena?

4) Why be ashamed of being a good guy in the first place? And why don't you understand that women are turned on by confidence - and you can be a confident good guy without being cocky?

5) Why is it that you guys, seriously, can never remember to put down the toilet seat?

I'm sure this won't be the last ponderance of male behavior that I'll post, but I had to get that out of my system. Some of these questions have been stuck in my head for years, some for minutes.

The Rainbow Connection

Earlier today, I had a lengthy chat with a friend of mine regarding some folks that we know, and the idea of chasing rainbows came up. We've all been guilty of it at one point in our lives or another.

There is that individual, that goal, that job, that home, that dream that we would be willing to set everything aside for to reach it. And yet, it's always out of reach.

I'm not talking about those dreams that are ultimately attainable, though. I'm talking about those things, or people, that are 100%, absolutely, unattainable. While it breaks my heart to confess, I will never be Mrs. Johnny Depp. But, when I was 16, that didn't stop me from covering notebooks with his pictures, learning everything that there was to learn about him and watching every episode of "21 Jump Street" ad nauseum.

But once we turn from adolescent to adult, the notion of chasing rainbows, beyond day dreams and fantasy, is recognized as just that - chasing an illusion. And, more often than not, a self-deluded one. That's not to say it's an unhealthy exercise to chase a rainbow now and then, but at some point, a rational adult will recognize that the thrill is in the chase, and that rainbows are endless.

Back to the conversation... it seems that someone that we know, that one of us cares about (moreso, at least than the other), is determined to land that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. However, we both, and others, know that should they ever find the end of that rainbow, they will be disillusioned with the lump of coal they will find as their "treasure".

Call me Ishmael, but there are some rainbows that are never meant to be caught. And, at the end of the day, when you end up broken and miserable without a speck of spectrum in your fingers, but just damp air and blisters, if you chase that rainbow long and far enough, you'll leave behind anyone that you could turn to for support, commiseration, etc.

The land of Oz was just the dream of a small Kansas girl. And the answer was always always right under her nose, she just never appreciated it.

I'd say of most of my friends, I am one of the guiltiest of them all when it comes to being one of those lovers, the dreamers and, well, me, to quote a wise, old frog. So I don't speak from pure observation, but from experience.

The question is, how many clouds of your own mind do you have to fall from before you realize that the rainbow is merely a figment of the imagination?

Perhaps that's the lesson. You have to fall, or suffer a concussion in a storm to be able to awaken from the technicolor day dreams to see what reality is, and what dreams and goals await for you in the real world. Not in the collection of figments of your imagination, or well-lit raindrops. The Wizard is merely a rainmaker hidden behind grand mystery and a curtain. The magical Scarecrow is just a farm hand.

And life really is just as wonderful as the fantasy, if you have the brains, the heart, the home and da noive to see it. It's time to come out of the daze of that fall in the tornado. There are people around you waiting for you to come out of it, waiting with open arms. You don't need the rainbow, or what's on the other side. Leave that to the muppets.