Deserving

It's all relative.

Degrees of transgression. Malice versus encouragement.
Love and hate.
That fine line we are all afraid to tread and tremble as we approach, forced or by choice.

On your side, you see it crossed. On mine, I'm still on the right side.

But reality is about perception.
And I saw your side.
I see your side.

And now, I'm on your side. Pointing at me. Hating me.

At the same time I cower and cry and beg for mercy and forgiveness,
I stand along you, stoning me, casting me out.

I'm not deserving, yet, am I?

I hurt you that much that I still deserve this, don't I?

You didn't deserve to hurt this way.

But what's the threshold, now?
The sentence is over, now.
Or did you forget?

I turn to see if you are still ready to throw the next stone,
but you're gone.

I go to the chambers, and the judge isn't there.
I seek the jury, and there is none.

I'll throw the stones in your absence, but tell me...

When am I deserving enough for your return?

UPDATED: For once, it's not for LIVESTRONG...

Ok. There is no easy way to say this, so I'll just say it and put it out there.

My children were turned down for scholarship funds for summer camp this year. Now, of course the "easy" solution is to say, "Sorry kids, no camp for you."

The reality is, however, I had to acquiesce and stop sending them to their day school of 4 years, just as they were really getting into a "groove," making lasting friendships, etc, because I couldn't afford to send them without scholarship, and their places were given away. We had to take a pass on birthday parties for the past year because of the added expense that wasn't in the budget. More often than I should, I have to say "no" to them when they ask for simple, little things like a package of Silly Bandz, a new toy, or a new outfit. We aren't members of any congregations, nor can I send the kids to Hebrew School because, you guessed it, we simply don't have the money.

But the one thing, the one thing I was not going to deny my children was summer camp. It is the only place that my son is fully confident. (And the transition to public school, to a standard classroom, to then being diagnosed after months of agonizing failure with ADD, and then being put into yet another classroom setting, has not been kind to him. And my daughter? If it weren't for her evergreen spirit, she'd be just as miserable. And, even with her amazing strength, she still breaks down about missing her old school, being with other Jewish kids and her friends.)

The news that we were denied scholarship - not a cent - is especially devastating, as I was given that information less than a week ago - with less than 3 weeks until the first day of camp. I'm desperately scrambling to come up with the funds.

I'm taking a page out of my LIVESTRONG notebook, here, and I'm going to throw out a challenge - to myself. I can contribute $2,000 towards the $6,500 tuition owed by June 23, 2010.

I am willing to ride my bike, even with my sprained back (right and left sacreiliac ligaments are sprained, requiring cortisone shots every other week into each side), for 48 hours straight. That should be a couple, if not a few, hundred miles. If I get permission from work to take off to do it, I will begin on my birthday, Sunday, June 20 after I'm done at work and ride straight through to Tuesday, June 22, the day before I have to take the kids to camp. That is, of course, I enough people are willing to help contribute towards the kids' camp tuition.

I won't take checks directly - I don't want people to make the checks out to my name, and think this is some kind of get rich quick scheme. Checks in any amount should be made out to and sent to BY JUNE 22:

Camp Young Judaea Sprout Lake
50 West 58th Street
New York, NY 10019

 Or you can call  212-451-6233 and ask for Jessica - she will accept a credit card payment over the phone.

Just, please, be VERY CLEAR that the money is to go towards Zachary and Ariella Mendes' tuition accounts. (Also, leave a comment or contact me directly to let me know so I can alert the camp.)

If I had more time, I'd do more myself. I'd put together a Mary Kay Sale. But I don't have time. This is the only thing that I can think to do, especially while I try and find some organization to help. I will tell you, before you ask if I've gone to the UJF Federation, I have. I've gone to JewishCamp.org. I've tried to reach the Masons. I've gone to my local Hadassah Region. I've appealed to National YJ & Hadassah. I've contacted Jewish Family Services. I've either been turned down by all of them, referred to one from the other, or they have already dispersed all the scholarship money.

If you have new suggestions, please let me know. But, given the time crunch, I've been advised this may be the best route to do it.

Please pass this onto any interested parties. The good news is, for those of a philanthropic nature, there will be no question that the money is going to go directly to benefit 2, young, Jewish and deserving children whose gratitude will be tremendous. (And, you'll help one mom, who is working 2 jobs doing her best to provide what little she can for her kids, and trying to show them that charity starts at home, teaching them how to be good people, involving them in charity work with Young Judaea and LIVESTRONG, and that they can do anything.)

Thank you!

6/21/2010: P.S. A couple of messages came to me asking what I've done to fix it, etc, it's easy to complain but not do anything about a situation and just "beg". For those who don't already know, in addition to my LIVESTRONG fundraising efforts (which you can follow on my other blog), I've been working very hard for the past year and a half to create a Young Judaea alumni organization to address some of the issues within the movement, and, ironically, fundraise for scholarship funds that are lacking, establish funds to help "fill in the gaps" for families when the scholarship funds aren't enough, as well as provide programming year round for alumni and assist members of YJ when there aren't staff members around to help mentor, program and staff events and other such initiatives. I'm not a cup-in-hand beggar. I get hands-on and try and do what I can, when I can.

BTW, the bike-a-thon is going to have to be modified. Between work hours and my back, I can't ride as I'd hoped. That being said, I will be riding. I can promise you that. If the kids can be dropped off as hoped Wednesday morning, I will try to ride from the moment I get back from dropping the kids off until 10pm (including a mountain-bike ride in Pound Ridge). I will get that 48-hours done as soon as possible, it just may not be consecutive days and spread out.

10:00 pm UPDATE:

In response to an exchange with Jessica at the office, and, after not receiving word on scholarship until mid-June - and email follow ups when I received invoices with the "final balance" with responses from the camp saying that the balance didn't reflect scholarship and that I could wait until the scholarship decision was made, I received this email, sent by the camp at 8:22 pm:

Dear Ms. Mendes,

This letter is meant to inform you that neither of your children, Zachary Mendes-Barry and Ariela Mendes-Barry, have been successfully registered for the summer 2010 season at Camp Young Judaea Sprout Lake (“Camp”).  According to Camp’s policies, which  can be found in the Parent’s Guide published on April 22, 2010, all payments were due in full on May 15, 2010 and all forms had to have been completed, signed and submitted by May 15, 2010.  As of June 21, 2010, Camp has yet to receive full payment or the required forms for either Zachary or Ariela. 

In order to enable your children to participate, Camp is willing to make a onetime exception for you and extend the deadline for your full payment and completed forms till 12:00pm tomorrow, Tuesday, June 22, 2010.  If full payment and all the completed forms (including current insurance and prescription coverage) for both Zachary and Ariela are not submitted by that time, please be aware that you and your children will not be permitted past the front camp gate on opening day, Wednesday, June 23, 2010.  Please note that Camp intends to take all necessary actions to enforce its policies.

Your current balance is $4,245.  Please contact our New York office in order to pay this balance and submit all forms at (212) 451-6233 by noon tomorrow.

Sincerely,

Alecia Sachs

Hadassah National Camps Chair

Helene Drobenare, M.A., MS.W.

Camp Director

Camp Young Judaea Sprout Lake

O-

Universal donor
Ever present, available and willing
Value of none
Further, negative nothing
Anti-A, Anti-B
A misfit
Unrecognized by immunity
Invisible
Harmless to all, but all are lethal
To nothing
Less than 4% in the world
Fading
One of a kind
No compatible partners but oneself

Agreeable, sociable, optimistic
Vain and rude
Responsible, decisive, organized, objective, rule-conscious, and practical
Inbred
Must avoid pleasure-releasing substance
Self-punishment is the answer

Dairy makes me sentimental
I must keep in motion at all times
Vigorously
Draining but mandatory
Torn to extremes
Vulnerable
Ulcer-prone
Nutrition must be limited and out of the norm
Cut out, avoid, cut out, don't approach, cut out

Anyone and everyone can drain me
It's my duly
Obligation
If I don't, it follows me

I am the archetype
Insufficient of life-dependent everything

Water Cooler

This morning, as I was pulling up to work, traffic was backed up. Across the street, I saw fire trucks, police cars, a couple of emergency services trucks - all with lights gleaming, and no sirens. Up ahead, I saw an electrical repair truck with a cherry picker. I assumed that there was some kind of electrical outage or tree down - something that required emergency repair.

However, as I got closer, I noticed that the fire trucks had black and purple swags draped on the sides. And officers from different civic services in dress uniform.

A funeral.

Across the street from my office building is a funeral home. But I hadn't heard of any local fires or any rescue situations where a firefighter might have been killed, nor had I heard of any notables passing away in their old age.

I parked my car, and spoke to the security guard, asking her, who always knows the scoop, what was going on. She said it was the fireman that killed himself over the weekend. He was 30 and popular and full of life.

"What could make someone like that do such a thing?"

I nodded and said, "Yeah," and went to the elevator bank to go upstairs.

Perhaps too knowingly, I know the answer, at least in part. The security guard will never understand what could make someone "like that" do such a thing. A hero. Someone surrounded by success in a noble profession. An artist who can express himself so beautifully - surely he sees beauty in the world!

Yes, inevitably, there would have been people in his profession that he'd encountered that wouldn't make it - that would die in the fire or accident or whatever situation to which he responded. And those cases would scar him. But, would it be enough to make him hang himself?

And is being surrounded by, and even actively engaged in, positivity enough to make one think differently?

No.

I went to this young man's website. Not his Facebook, not the memorial guest book. I went to his art portfolio site. And, yes, there were murals of Spiderman and other wonderful things for schoolchildren and the community. That was all facade.

I looked at his portraits. The longing in the subjects eyes. That, in every face he captured, either on film or canvas, there was confusion. A sense of being lost. In his abstracts, there was ordered chaos, with one color line that stood out, as though it were trying to rise above to rest to find an answer, but it just got entwined in the tangle in the end.

I don't have to know him to be able to see that, yes, there clearly was something that would make him do this. I don't expect her, or most of the people in his positive bubble, to be able to see it. Or understand it.

But I get it. And it's not because he was sick. It's not because he never said anything. It's that the circles around him wouldn't see it. Look at his artwork, and ask 10 people what they see. Each will see something different. The question is, who sees what he meant you to see? Who can hear what he's trying to say, not what you want to hear? I look at his artwork, and I see several years of a single message. Yes, it's beautiful. Yes, they are portraits of other people. But the exact moment he captured, the expression, direction of their pupils, etc, that's the key 10 out of 10 people won't pick up.

Call it a gift, call it a curse, but it's the first thing I see.

He was saying "what would make him do such a thing" for as long as he was painting.

But no one was listening.

Held Out

on hold
time out
left behind
hung out
held up
hung up
pulled back
pushed out
out cast
left out
hold out
out placed
cast out

There are a few of my favorite things...

Gemini

Constant conflict.
Both sides are always right, both are always wrong.
Lean one way, and you lean with the weight of the world.
Lean the other, and you can't keep your ground.

Constantly searching.
A separation.
Magnet, drawing in, trying to click and find the other half.
A matchless sock.

Constant expectations.
Proud public face.
Dynamic, influential, inspiring.
Follow me.

Constant turmoil.
Always searching.
Always off-balance.
Dark, tumultuous heart
hidden from view at all times.

Ecstatic and exuberant
and
simultaneously
Brooding and macabre.

Constant confusion.
No one knows what to do with you.
You don't know how to explain.
As you try and speak and express
you silence and stifle yourself.

So tired, ready to sleep.
But so energetic, ready to go.

Push and pull.
Crash and burn.

Get it together.

Naked raisins

Upon chit-chatting with a friend in Holland, the topic of traveling one another's country came up. She is coming to the United States in the spring, and I gave her the following advice, bearing the most recent screening approaches we're adopting in mind, "Just don't wear any shoes, underwear, bras, clothing, liquids... coming into the US, I'd dehydrate myself like a naked raisin."

I said it with snarky sarcasm, but then I got to thinking... that really is what we're going to be reduced to. As I tweeted the other day, the one positive thing about this is that there will be no question about what a "normal" body type will be in this country. The naked body scans may very well quell the fears of girls all over the world with body dysmorphic disorder. We'll see all the undergarments used to pull in people's guts, reduce their thighs, boost their boobs, enlarge junk in various trunks. There will be no hiding that we don't all have airbrushed bodies like on the cover of "Sports Illustrated" and, try as we might to pass ourselves off as their competition, we're all just as lumpy and dumpy as the next one.

Of course, I really hope that's the case. Because if it's not, then I'm going to feel like a potato.